Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Sex

Written by sascha-rothchild on May 2, 2008

Politicians are the rock stars of Washington D.C. They get the best tables without reservations, they have adoring fans, their aids are at their beck and call like roadies and their spotless Town Cars shuttle them from one paparazzi-filled event to another, like blinged-out tour buses dropping drug-addled musicians off at various shows. But the reality is that politicians are not rock stars. They don’t look hot in leather pants, they’re too square to be bad boys, and, unless power renders you blind, they have zero sex appeal.

Seeing Tommy Lee with his wife Pam Anderson together is hot. Imagining shamed ex-New York governor Eliot Spizter rolling around sweaty and naked with call girls is disgusting. Really thinking about what Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton were doing, not to mention knowing what will forever be on her blue dress , is equally revolting. In short, picturing the men and women who are running our country having sex is essentially the equivalent of imagining your own parents going at it — necessary but vaguely nauseating.

Recent Spitzer-gate reports have brought us both revelations from a second call girl and the news that anentire book devoted to the scandalous sex life of Spitzer (for a rumored $350,000, which is, by some people’s estimates , roughly 350 blissful nights) is being shopped around. He liked to keep his socks on during sex. And use props. What more could we possibly need or want to know that would fill up 300 pages?

Let’s not forget that former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey wrote a tell-all memoir, The Confession, about his homosexual extramarital affairs. It seems once politicians get caught in the act, they think they might as well spill the beans and tell the public every last nuance of their torrid sex lives. Please no!

It’s a good thing that Senator Larry Craig denied the fact that he was looking for sex in a man’s bathroom or we might have had to hear all about his proclivities. Does he take his glasses off? Is he a top or a bottom? Does he like it rough? Most men in power do, it seems (but that’s another topic altogether).

Not only are we constantly bombarded with the sex lives of current politicians, but also with news about long-deceased ones. A New York businessman recently bought a 40-year-old sex tape of Marilyn Monroe servicing an unknown man — potentially a Kennedy. (John had movie star looks so if he was the one being pleasured, that actually transcends the ick politician factor.)

Drugs, sex and rock and roll go hand in hand. Drugs, sex and politicians do not. Yes, politicians can have sex. Yes, they can hire prostitutes, cheat on their spouses, and keep their socks on. But I, for one, feel better when I’m not aware of these things. I say we need to reel our politicians in before this rash of interest in their sex lives goes too far and they really start behaving like rock — or even worse, reality — stars.

Otherwise we may soon be privy to Hillary Clinton giving us panty-less crotch shots as she gets out of her spotless Town Car.

– Sascha Rothchild

Photo by Mark J. Sebastian