Ah, election year. For many Americans, it’s a time to celebrate the democratic principals our forefathers fought to preserve. For those that prefer threesomes over a two-party system, it’s simply a great time to get laid.

Indeed, this country’s fleeting interest in all things political provides sexual predators like myself with a whole new playbook to work from.

Tired material regarding a girl’s sign or whether or not heaven’s missing angels can be replaced with seemingly smart questions regarding Obama’s healthcare program, Hillary’s return to the Senate and the relative windproof-ness of McCain’s comb-over.

For your fornicating benefit, I decided to road test a couple of party pickup lines on both a super hot Republican and an equally intoxicating Dem to see what works, what doesn’t, and what gets you kicked in the crotch, spat in the face, and brought to tears in front of your disapproving brohiems. (Long story.)

But before I introduce my beltway babes, a caveat: In these uncertain times, a blonde drinking a Pinot while clad in Izod is just as likely to be a Barack girl as the tramp in cutoffs clutching a PBR is insane for McCain—so a little conversation is needed before determining the political persuasion of the victim… er… object of your affection. (Warning: actual listening may be required.)

On the left we have Laura Schwartz, former White House Director of Events for the Clinton administration and current national political commentator.

Coming at you from the right is Andrea Tantaros, Republican strategist and regular commentator on FOX News.

Between Laura’s blonde hair, blue-eyed bodaciousness and Andrea’s Greek-goddess gams, I think it goes without saying that I’d kill to be the bologna (or Bill-ogna) between this bipartisan sandwich.

So, after drinking deep from my pint of democracy and throwing a roofie in the glasses of my sexy strategists, I gauged their reactions on the following campaign come-ons…

I find McCain’s record on women’s issues to be nothing short of appalling. In fact, we should probably have sex while women still have the right to choose…

LAURA: “So missing the point and so disgusting. I’d fake a phone call and walk away.”

ANDREA: “This does inspire my right to choose… to flip him the bird.”

I think Obama’s email relationship with Scarlett Johansson is as inappropriate as his planned tax on incomes over $250,000 is ignorant. Oh, did I mention I’m rich?

LAURA: “I know a right wing radio personality that uses that line. It doesn’t work.”

ANDREA: “Talking about tax hikes does get me hot and bothered—but not in a good way. And steer clear of conspiracy theories, unless they have to do with the Clintons.”

What do you think of this new Pro-McCain slogan I trademarked: “I’m voting for John ’cause I’ve got a big shlong.”<

LAURA: "It doesn't technically rhyme and, lets face it, you really need to rhyme to win."

ANDREA: "Keep working."

What do you think of this new Pro-Obama slogan I trademarked: “I like Barack… and I love your rack”.

LAURA: “I like the rhyme, but I wouldn’t give him the ‘thyme’.”

ANDREA: “Ditto.”

Oh for four? God, I feel like Ralph Nader—only more celibate. If that’s possible.

Before my wank-worthy wonkettes gave me a goodbye “F you,” I had to ask: what does work when it comes to (awful alliteration alert!) politically persuading pretty pub-crawlers?

“‘I’m not as much into politics as I am passionate about the issues’ works,” says Laura. “For me, it’s about somebody who’s aware of the issues and why they’re important to their life. All of our lives are different and that’s what make us interesting.”

“If all else fails,” she adds, “stick with a conversation about how many varieties of Grey Goose there are behind the bar.”

As for Andrea?

“As a general rule, it’s best not to fake it,” says Tantaros. “Politics is no different. Politically savvy women develop the same type of nausea hearing an uninformed man talk politics as men do when a chick waxes forensic on why the Giants lost Monday Night Football.”

“Oh, and open mindedness is key,” she adds. “It’s a fact that bi-partisans make excellent bedfellows.”

There you have it. What’s right, left and wrong regarding the election — and your erection. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go continue being a virgin.

–Bill Schulz