In one of the more peculiar editorial spreads of the election season, Harper’s Bizarre employed supermodel / talk show hostess / mother hen / fierce ferociousness Tyra Banks to appear dressed up as Michelle Obama in a photo spread depicting an Obama White House. I’m not sure if the ploy was to be an inspirational tool or some sort of sassy scare tactic, but either way, it got me thinking: what would happen if Tyra Banks was this nation’s First Lady? Would we endure as a nation? Would the political process become unmoored? Or would the rising queen of multimedia somehow facilitate a new golden age of Beltway progress unseen since the era of Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt?

Well, I don’t have the answers to all those questions, but I can imagine fairly vividly what might be in store for us if Tyra were to take up residency at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. First and foremost, she would most certainly appoint Miss J. Alexander, her gender-bending sidekick on America’s Next Top Model, as the White House Spokesperson. I know what you’re saying — that’s not the First Lady’s call, but let’s be honest here. No one’s saying no to Tyra Banks. If she wants Miss J in the administration, he’s gonna be in the administration. Besides, Miss J would be the perfect choice to face the press corps. He could easily deflect all tricky or difficult questions with his standard answer to everything: a high-pitched “Ooooooooh!!!” (which may or may not be followed with “Girl, you walked in here like an elephant on Flag Day”). Does it make sense? No. Will it shut up the reporters? Damn right it will.

In terms of foreign policy, Tyra would absolutely excel in this department as she’d utilize many of the powerful techniques she’s honed on her popular daytime show, Tyra. Undoubtedly, she’d force stubborn world leaders to open their minds with the help of some latex and plus-sized muumuus. That’s right: there’s no way Tyra’s passing up a chance to put Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong-II in fat suits. It may seem unconventional, but don’t you dare think for a second their world views won’t change. Once they see what it’s really like out there, they’ll never oppress their people again. Heck, if they have a good attitude about it, Tyra might throw in a free makeover courtesy of Jay Manuel. One word: extensions.

Perhaps Tyra’s biggest contribution, however, would be her commanding presence in Washington. The days of political stalemate would surely end if she had anything to say about it. No longer would Republicans and Democrats waste hours with petty arguments and pork barrel shenanigans. Instead, they’d merely bring their agendas to Tyra, who would loom over them and announce, “Standing before me are two beautiful bills. Each one has what the other needs, but in my hand, I only have one photo. So who goes home? The bill that takes beautiful photos, or the bill that lights up a room?” And, of course, Tyra would then hand out a picture to the winning option, the lawmakers would all huddle together and cry tears of joy and sadness, and everything would be settled fair and square.

Of course, if that didn’t work, Tyra could always resort to plan B: good old-fashioned yelling. Much as she memorably dressed down aspiring model Tiffany on cycle four of Top Model, Tyra could raise hell at a joint session of Congress, screaming, “I have NEVER in my life yelled at a Congress like this! When my mother yells like this, it’s because she loves me! I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for you! How dare you! Learn something from this!” And so on and so forth. If that doesn’t get the bipartisan ball rolling, well, then maybe nothing ever will.

The point is that Tyra Banks in the White House might very well be a great thing for this country. And in an election season focused on change, maybe we shouldn’t overlook such a fierce option.

–Ben Mandelker