Dear Governor Palin

Written by nina-emkin on November 13, 2008

Let’s talk about your future.

If you tried out for American Idol, I guarantee that Simon Cowell would say to you, in his mincing British accent, “Sarah, you’ve got it.”  He’s right – you do have “it,” a generous sprinkling of stardust that makes you unbelievably watchable, charismatic, and compelling.  Whether or not that stardust will wear off in a few months remains to be seen, but you appear to be poised to capitalize on it while you can.  So, what are your options, and what hurdles do you face?  And are you compelling in the way that Oprah Winfrey is, or in the way that Denise Richards is?  You should try to figure it out.

Let’s remember, you are still the governor of Alaska, with two years left to make progress on your plan for a 1,700-mile gas pipeline, which, if completed, will be the single-biggest private infrastructure project in North America.  You have to clean up the mess left by Troopergate.  And you have to deal with a potential operating deficit.  That’s a pretty crowded agenda, I’d say.

Or we could wind up calling you “Senator Palin.”  I wish you’d stop being so coy about all of this Ted Stevens stuff, by the way.

There’s also been a lot of chatter about a Palin presidency in 2012.  Now, if 59 percent of voters didn’t think you were qualified to be VP in 2008, is it really likely that you’ll be that much more qualified to be the leader of the free world in a mere four years? 

The challenges you face in the near future are impressive.  How will you convince Alaskans that you have their best interests at heart and aren’t just using their state in a Machiavellian bid to keep the GOP’s interest in you piqued?  How do you plan to assist Barack Obama, as you claim you want to do, when you can’t let go of his connection to Bill Ayres?  How will you regain any kind of credibility in light of the recent tsunami of gossip about you emanating from anonymous John McCain aides?

If I were your Karl Rove-ian adviser, I’d tell you to drop the politics game after your term ends.  Let’s face it – you just aren’t cut out for it.  You don’t have the Clintonian intellect (neither Bill’s nor Hillary’s), Obama’s oratory skills, or John McCain’s decades of experience.  What you do have is stardust.

Now, don’t get me wrong – the idea that you could have been this country’s second-in-command terrified me.  Your stances on reproductive rights, the economy, and the environment all curdled my blood and made me want to shake John McCain and his strategists very, very hard.  But it’s undeniable: watching you is fun.

Your interviews with Katie Couric have garnered millions of hits on YouTube.  Saturday Night Live saw its highest ratings in 14 years when you appeared on the program.  Tina Fey recently signed a $5 million book deal; does anyone doubt a connection between her recent success and her impersonations of you?  Right now, Sarah, you’re media gold.  And you’d be a fool not to cash in on it.

Rumor has it that major publishers are in talks with you about writing a book.  Now, you couldn’t name a single newspaper you read a few weeks ago, so I’m not sure if you’ll turn out to be much of an author, but hey – who knows?

There’s also been talk of you hosting some kind of TV show.  This, personally, is my dream.  I imagine it to be just like The Tyra Banks Show: a self-referential, egomaniacal, and eminently entertaining peek into the brain of a celebrity.  I’d like to watch you talk yourself in circles, wax eloquent about foreign countries you can see from your window, and preach about abstinence-only sex education.  I’d watch you for the same reason I watch Celebrity Rehab: it’s fun to watch people do and say stupid things (which, in my opinion, is why this election season was so exciting -- thank you, Governor Palin, Mike Huckabee and John Edwards!)

Alternatively, you could just go away.  I wouldn’t argue with you if you wanted to do this.  You are an incompetent policymaker.  Even other Republicans find you embarrassing; that’s pretty telling.

Whatever you do, the country will be watching.  So, Sarah, if you’re out there reading this, here’s my advice: strike while the iron is hot.  You may be covered in stardust right now, but it won’t last.  Get yourself a book deal and a TV show – capitalize on your notoriety!  It’s the American Way.  And stay out of the White House.  Seriously. 

Sincerely,

An American Citizen

--Nina Emkin

Photo by Kris Kros